Mrs. Doris Huffnagel of North Miami Beach is in police
custody after an early Christmas morning traffic incident involving a
neighbor’s holiday display.
Huffnagel, 75, is accused of driving while intoxicated as
well as reckless endangerment of a ruminant. She told police that she had drunk
several eggnog shooters at her son’s home as part of a Christmas Eve
celebration. “I was good to drive, though,” she insisted. “Sure, I got
cataracts in both eyes, and because of my scoliosis I can barely see over the
steering wheel, but I get around.”
Christine Christian, a neighbor of Huffnagel’s, decorates
her home lavishly each holiday season. “Even though I’m a Jewish-Wiccan-Buddhist,
and technically I shouldn’t even be celebrating, I figure that the goyim have
commercialized the holidays so much I can have some fun. I call myself Chris
Christmas and I really go all out with my decorations,” she said. “I have a
Disney manger scene, with Mickey and Minnie as Joseph and the Virgin Mary, and
Goofy, Donald and Pluto as the three wise men. I’ve got lights in all the
trees, an alligator in a Santa hat, and all my elves are full-sized, because I
don’t discriminate against little people. But my centerpiece is Santa’s airboat,
pulled by Shaygets, Shiksa, Shlemiel, Schlimazl, Schnorrer, Shnook, Shande, and
Shmatte, with Shikkerer in the lead.”
She paused to wipe a tear from her eye. “It was Shikkerer
who got hit. He’s always so brave, leading the airboat through the Everglades.
If he hadn’t taken the hit, who knows what would have happened.” She shook her
head. “Sometimes the neighbors complain about the noise, between the airboat
motor and the recording of the Barking Dogs singing “Jingle Bells.” But that’s
no reason to run down an innocent reindeer.”
The scene of the accident is a grisly tableau. Shikkerer’s
carcass is on its side, with tire tracks over its abdomen. Its bright red nose
light is jammed in the grill of Huffnagel’s faded yellow 1972 Mustang Mach 1.
The reins that connected Shikkerer to Shaygets and Shiksa lie broken on the
artificial snow of Christian’s front yard.
Reporters were unable to reach anyone at the North Pole for
comment, reaching only a voice mail recording indicating that the Naughty or
Nice List was closed for this season.
(If you think this is funny, hope you'll check out my humorous mysteries: Genie for Hire, A Biff Andromeda Mystery, and The Golden Retriever Mystery series.)
